Sudden realization

Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakaatuh.

We are all the same human being, yet each of us act different, talk different, have different role.

To people who know me so well, I love models and toys. A LOT. I never explain to anyone why.

Why? I love miniatures, and love to play. But most importantly, I love CHILDHOOD. Being a child is awesome. You have no responsibilities, nothing to take care about, and you get everything you want. Well, almost all. Have fun all day long.

I never want to leave childhood. At least, even though I'm already in my 20s, I still maintain the child in me. I still seek for toys, in stores and online, local and overseas. The only thing change about me now is, I have another passion. Music. I can say, my 'music' side is the opposite of my 'toys' side. Through music, i see the world and things around me in so many perspective. The dark side, the optimist side, the innocent side, the crooked mind side, about almost everything. Religious views, political rages, social illness. But, like toys, I adore every details I hear and see in every sound I listens to. So, it is like, 'toys' me is the child me while 'music' me is the grown up me.

See? Although I grew up, I still don't leave the child me behind. In fact, I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to have adult problems. Concern about things and people that don't even related to me, just to feed myself. Lots of adults I know are hypocrite. They HAVE to be hypocrite, or else their family will have nothing to eat.

Few days ago, I was hanging out with my two close friends which I haven't see in years. Literally, because both of them are too far, and Facebook is not the best way to connect, I think. We haven't talk for such a long time. Yes, we talk about exciting things happen in our life, then I notice something. Our talk this time is different. Our topics have, what you would call, maturity. Maturity. Something I never thought I have in me myself. We talk about tough choices, bad decisions, intolerable mistakes, things like that.

Then it hit me.

Even if I try so much running from being an adult, I can NEVER run from it. I can NEVER refuse to face the problems. In fact, I am in my adulthood right now. I am having my adult problems right now. Adult problems involve a lot of internal conflicts.

I'm now in a conflict I started myself. Once, I thought I can get away with it. I have to leave things and persons I love, just to have a clearer vision of my future. And also to make sure we didn't end up making bad decisions. I've been in a complicated relationship, fell deeply in it, and now I have to forget it. Forget all the feelings. Forget all the memories. I've rant about it in my previous posts, do read if you mind.

Silly me. How can I not being an adult. I am growing up. I hate being complicated. Sometimes I don't even know what my problem is. Most of the time I realize that, I can solve them by making a brave bold steps, which I don't have the nerves to attempt for the time being. I don't think I'm ready yet. I don't even know when will I be ready.